On August 3rd, 2011, I found out Dylan and I were expecting a baby. Ava had the stomach flu that Monday, and for a few days, I thought I had a bug. But over the course of 24 hours, 7 pregnancy tests confirmed, I was indeed pregnant. It was a shock, to say the least! Dylan was excited, no doubt he would be wonderful with a baby as I had seen how good he could be with Evan and Ava. Due to circumstances unrelated, on August 16th, Evan, ava, and I returned to Emmetsburg...that was a Tuesday. A week later, the following Tuesday, I had an inital appointment with my doctor. As the news of pregnancy had already spread, I worried the kids were going to hear it from someone in town or at school since we were back in the Burg. Therefore, at this appointment, we did an ultrasound - wanted to confirm dates and I had been having some slight cramping. I had estimated I was at 6 weeks 4 days at this point. The transvaginal ultrasound measured me at 6 weeks 0 days. At this point, I wasn't concerned - as with both Evan and Ava, and nearly every woman's pregnancy, there is often a few days difference between the u/s date and the due date estimated. At this ultrasound, there was also no heart beat. It was attributed to the fact that it was probably too early to see it. I left the appointment without being too concerned. I was confident enough that I decided we needed to tell Evan and Ava that night, before they started school the next morning.
THe initial moments caught on video of the children finding out from us, were kind of like mine, shock! They weren't sure what to think. But that quickly changed to intense joy and excitement and a SLEW of questions. They were already talking about whether it would be a brother or a sister (or twins) before the night was over and promising to help with "everything" but dirty diapers! Anyway, the following week, my doctor called and said she would like another ultrasound the following week sometime. So last week, at 9 a.m. on September 6th, I had a second ultrasound. By my initial estimations, I would have been 8 weeks 4 days at this point (based on inital u/s, I'd be 8 weeks 0 days). Regardless, I went for the normal "belly" ultrasound. Drank 48 oz of fluid - didn't get ot the 60. Laid down and within minutes, she had me empty my bladder. She pointed to the big screen in the corner and noted how she just could not see well enough this method and we would need another transvaginal ultrasound. FOr the next 30 minutes, I watched her attempt to get a heartbeat. Flat line after flat line. No movement. No activity. nothing. Based on my research, I assumed what I saw was an empty gestational sack. But granted, the ultrasound tech couldn't tell me anything. I left there feeling completely devastated. Over the course of the next 24 hours, I researched all that I could and prayed and prayed and prayed. I cried pretty much the whole time as well.
Finally, around 11;55 a.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 7th, my doctor called. The ultrasound showed the gestational sack still measured 6 weeks and 0 days (identical to the first one) and that this would indicate I would miscarry. However, for comfirmation, I would need some labs to check my HCG levels. I went right in a few minutes later and had my blood drawn. At about 2 p.m., the nurse called and said my HCG levels were borderline....which was good....still a glimmer of hope?? I really didn't have much at this point. I knew what I had seen and I was scared and sad and angry and just wanted answers. Friday, on the 9th, I Had to repeat these labs. At this point, Dylan had came home and thankfully was able to go with me. THis time, the tests confirmed what the ultra sound showed. HcG levels should increase, at a high rate, up to 8 to 10 weeks of pregnancy. Mine on that Wednesday were 13000 and by Friday 10,000. The levels dropped. The doctor went through my options with me over the phone. I agreed I would do as she suggested, TRY to miscarry "naturally" for two weeks. But that's it. At that point, if it hasn't "passed", I want a Dnc.
So, basically by a fluke, I found out in advance that I WILL indeed be miscarrying. Is it better to just miscary and be done with it or to have weeks to "prepare"? I have no idea. This is my first one and I hope my last. I just know that this has been an incredibly rough many weeks and until it passes, I don't see a lot of peace in sight.
We told the children on Saturday, something I had really feared. Its so much for a 6 and 9 year old to process. I tried to be black and white, drawing (or attempting to draw) the female reproductive system....explaining how sometimes an egg and sperm meet precisely and make a baby and other times they don't line up correctly, creating a blighted ovum instead of a baby. Yet, when this occurs, the mom's body THINKS it's pregnant and does normal pregnancy things. Evan held in his tears and Ava prayed God would help the baby be normal and that she could still kiss my belly. Last night they both slept with me, clinging to my side. We will get throught his. As so many other women have, it's a journey. I am reminded of two verses over and over again lately....
Isaiah 41:4 - I am the lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you.
Romans 5:2 - Through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. ANd we boast in the hope of the Glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our SUFFERINGS, because we know that sufering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
These two verses are helping me see that God still has a plan for us, and he will help us through this. At moments when I feel so broken right now....unemployed, "processing" a miscarriage, hours from my fiance every day, and just lost in general...I know God is here and he is real, and HE will help me. These sufferings we all go through make us stronger, give us more hope. Our God is a good God. I am not looking at this as a punishment. Nor do I think we did something wrong, as I spent the first few days over processing it all trying to find a reason....what I did to make this happen. There is no reason nor can I seek out understanding at this point. I am just trying to process my emotions....from devastation to anger......
I miss Dylan so much and to have to go through this alone, is agonizing. The waiting, the unknown....I do want it to be done now that I know it's "over." Anyway, many have asked....so there's the "story" of my miscarriage to be. I am grateful for the love I have in my life, my beautiful compassionate children, and I know that with this, comes hope for the future. Prayers to get me from here to there, greatly appreciated. I haven't given up, but I am pretty sick and broken, and as much as I hate to say it, I need some help. Thanks for all the love, support, and kind thoughts. Pray especially for Dylan, as I want God to stay strong in his heart and for him to not lose faith, as it has to be hard being away from us, especially now. And pray for Evan and ava, those two kids mean the WORLD to me and they've been through so much. Pray they stay on a straight path and that they know God is good and this is just a part of life, but not the end of anything.
Lastly, for those of you have shared your stories with me, thank you. It helps to know what others have been through not only so I know what to expect, but also because it gives me more hope for tomorrow.
