*Every day is a gift, that is why it's called the present*

My sister told me about a 13 year old who committed suicide yesterday in her town. This is the second teenager I have heard of in high school in the past week.

My heart aches for these boys' family and friends. I can't even fathom the pain they are going thru.

And it is scary.

Just a reminder that every day we need to make sure those around us know they are loved and treasured. That we take the time to make our relationships a priority.

As I was visiting with a friend on the phone tonight, so often as a mother it's easy to say "later" when a child asks for you to show you something or to play a game. There's always something that needs to be done. But what if later never comes? I have got to get better at making the most of those moments.

My children are my life's greatest blessing. I need to ensure that I am giving them all that I have got to give.

Tonight Ava was talking about when she has kids, and how I'll be the grandma...and that she hopes I can visit on the weekends. But not during the weeks because she'll be busy with "meetings, classes, and homework."  Running from one thing to the next is what defines me. My 5 year old even relates that to what a mom does because that's all she knows.

It's very hard not to want to throw in the towel on school and be a better mom. Yes, college will enable a better future for us. But money and a promotion may not be what I am seeking. More than anything, i just want to raise healthy, happy, well-rounded children. Figuring out how to do everything and be the best parent I can be is a challenge. I am going to work more towards truly treating each day as a GIFT as that is what it is. That includes stopping more for the moments that matter most, and not caring so much about the other stuff.

Eventually, it all has to fall into place...at some point anyway. I am getting there....slowly but surely.

~Balance~

Ever feel like you could tip over? That's how I felt when I entered a port-a-potty Saturday night that wasn't quite level. It's also how I feel right now. 

Live+Laugh+Love

As I get older (which literally shall happen in 15 minutes), I feel as though I learn a little more with each experience, each season, and each year that passes. I have especially started to grasp the fact that life and the pursuit of happiness are journeys, not destinations.

I sometimes start running (figuratively, not literally), keeping myself constantly busy. Busy is my way of coping. I am stressed. Constantly. But I am stressed because I am busy, not because my life is a mess. Being busy is an easier concept to stomach than the other. However, I have really really tried and hope I can continue to make progress living in the moment. Whether something lasts a moment or forever, enjoying it for what it's worth is what life is all about. I am not seeking perfection,  I have learned that is not reality. What I want, is contentment.

I look at my children. They are my inspiration. I want to be the best mom I can be and give them what they deserve and more. They remind me of the purity, the love, and the beauty of life. Despite all the trials, the triumphs, and the heartache, love prevails. Regardless of how hard a moment or a year is, there is always a chance for a fresh start and for hope. I won't give up. I refuse to.

Even when I thought I found something that I thought was real....that I thought was special, I was yet again proven wrong. Yet, I have NO regrets. I made a good friend because of it and I learned that I am capable of feeling. Good people exist. And though my heart aches right now, I am blessed with hope. I couldn't live without it.

To the last year of my 20s, my wish for myself is that I find a way to live, laugh, and love everyday. Life is too short to live any other way:)

College....welcome back to the classroom

I arrived early to my first face-to-face college class in almost seven years tonight. I was slightly anxious, a little excited, but already exhausted after another sleepless night with sick children. As I am walking through the college, I have to pass through the cafeteria, which is overflowing with testosterone. I am not sure where all the girls were, but there was definitely a lack there of eating supper on campus tonight. For some odd reason, I am unsure still to this moment, I must have caught the eye of a basketball player. I precede to meet with my advisor briefly and then go to the classroom. I see this guy walk by the door once or twice, but didn't think much of it. A few minutes later, what appears to be a classmate, stops in the doorway and he approaches her. Ahh, they must be friends, I thought to myself.

After several minutes, this girl approaches me. She begins with, "I am sorry, I know we haven't met before...." I am thinking she is introducing herself. Then she continues, "there is a guy that saw you walk through the cafeteria, and he'd like to know if you are single." I was kind of bewildered. I didn't even know how to respond. I guess this is college? Anyway, she then said a few more things that I didn't entirely process and I was suddenly attentive when she said, "do you want me to tell him you are or you are not single?" I said, "I am not." She walked away, told him, and as he left he waved at me.

Weird?

I feel like I am getting old. Ten years ago I would have been flattered. Now...I am just like wtf.

Not too long later, students flow in, and about 16 students fill this little classroom. Our teacher presents us with a 15 page syllabus and my head starts to spin. WHAT have I gotten myself into??? Again, I kind of spaced out as he went through the details of the INTASC standards how we must be able to integrate content knowledge with pedagogical understanding, or something like that. I am not entirely sure. I did hear him say that we will be assigned at least one chapter (our first night two) to read each Monday and Thursday night...which will be accompanied by writing assignments and questions to answer. I looked at the first worksheet and every question had at least one word I had never heard of. There will also be the term paper for our portfolio, the syllabus that we'll have to present to the class, amongst other "fun" projects. He did mention though that if we are always there and work very hard, we should be able to get an A.

His advice was with this class was to just be the best you you can be. His example was...whether you are being a student, teacher, or a lover, just always be the best you can, and you will succeed. Analogically comparing teaching to sex...that was the first time I had heard that. Did I mention my instructor is older...like in his 60's at least?

Fortunately, as my brain was a bit overwhelmed, he did dismiss us early - the one and only time that'll happen. As I am driving home, my dashboard lights are kind of doing a whole disco ball lightshow and it was slightly disturbing. Then my cruise control shut off....just like that. I don't believe in ghosts, so I knew that wasn't a viable reason. Then the answer revealed itself - with the service engine light. The traction off light came on next. **AWESOME**....or not so much.

Got home in time to do my son's new asthma/allergy treatment which consists of five medications throughout the course of a day to get it back under "control" and to administer my daughter's green (yes GREEN) nasty medicine to "regulate" her. After I read a bedtime story, I tucked them into bed moments ago, I am now unloading my evening on here for future reference and then going to do laundry, pay bills, and on to my online class. I should probably do some cleaning. I am hoping that both the kids sleep all night thru, though I may being too optimistic as that hasn't happened for over two weeks. Time shall tell.

Onward and upward~~~~~~~~~~~~~>to be the best me I can be tis the goal:)