The title of this blog seems so fitting for me, time and time again, I am reminded I AM a work in progress. Days pass, months, and even years...and I continue trying to learn and grow. I had a bit of a debate, trying to decide if I wanted to start a new page...delete the past posts....start over.
But no. What has happened...happened. What's been done is done. The past year since my last post has been a time of extreme trial and tribulation. Yet, as a result, much strength was born. To overcome and to move forward was the only option, so thus I did. Now I feel stronger than ever before. I also have always cared too much what people think of me.
I can't lie...I still do....
BUT NOT AS MUCH. I know I am foolish with my heart. I know when I fall, I fall too hard. 30 years old and it's my own demon to face. So I guess what I am saying is, I am back. And I hope to update regularly and stay more connected back in this bloggin world. But if you take a trip down memory lane and read through prior postings....know that I have accepted that I was naiive and too trusting...and I am perfectly happy leaving the past in the past as I move forward building a brighter future while learning how to embrace the present:) We all are bumping around trying to find our place in the world...I will get there...maybe with a few bruises along the way...but I will get there:)
The journey continues....
xoxo
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Blighted Ovum
On August 3rd, 2011, I found out Dylan and I were expecting a baby. Ava had the stomach flu that Monday, and for a few days, I thought I had a bug. But over the course of 24 hours, 7 pregnancy tests confirmed, I was indeed pregnant. It was a shock, to say the least! Dylan was excited, no doubt he would be wonderful with a baby as I had seen how good he could be with Evan and Ava. Due to circumstances unrelated, on August 16th, Evan, ava, and I returned to Emmetsburg...that was a Tuesday. A week later, the following Tuesday, I had an inital appointment with my doctor. As the news of pregnancy had already spread, I worried the kids were going to hear it from someone in town or at school since we were back in the Burg. Therefore, at this appointment, we did an ultrasound - wanted to confirm dates and I had been having some slight cramping. I had estimated I was at 6 weeks 4 days at this point. The transvaginal ultrasound measured me at 6 weeks 0 days. At this point, I wasn't concerned - as with both Evan and Ava, and nearly every woman's pregnancy, there is often a few days difference between the u/s date and the due date estimated. At this ultrasound, there was also no heart beat. It was attributed to the fact that it was probably too early to see it. I left the appointment without being too concerned. I was confident enough that I decided we needed to tell Evan and Ava that night, before they started school the next morning.
THe initial moments caught on video of the children finding out from us, were kind of like mine, shock! They weren't sure what to think. But that quickly changed to intense joy and excitement and a SLEW of questions. They were already talking about whether it would be a brother or a sister (or twins) before the night was over and promising to help with "everything" but dirty diapers! Anyway, the following week, my doctor called and said she would like another ultrasound the following week sometime. So last week, at 9 a.m. on September 6th, I had a second ultrasound. By my initial estimations, I would have been 8 weeks 4 days at this point (based on inital u/s, I'd be 8 weeks 0 days). Regardless, I went for the normal "belly" ultrasound. Drank 48 oz of fluid - didn't get ot the 60. Laid down and within minutes, she had me empty my bladder. She pointed to the big screen in the corner and noted how she just could not see well enough this method and we would need another transvaginal ultrasound. FOr the next 30 minutes, I watched her attempt to get a heartbeat. Flat line after flat line. No movement. No activity. nothing. Based on my research, I assumed what I saw was an empty gestational sack. But granted, the ultrasound tech couldn't tell me anything. I left there feeling completely devastated. Over the course of the next 24 hours, I researched all that I could and prayed and prayed and prayed. I cried pretty much the whole time as well.
Finally, around 11;55 a.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 7th, my doctor called. The ultrasound showed the gestational sack still measured 6 weeks and 0 days (identical to the first one) and that this would indicate I would miscarry. However, for comfirmation, I would need some labs to check my HCG levels. I went right in a few minutes later and had my blood drawn. At about 2 p.m., the nurse called and said my HCG levels were borderline....which was good....still a glimmer of hope?? I really didn't have much at this point. I knew what I had seen and I was scared and sad and angry and just wanted answers. Friday, on the 9th, I Had to repeat these labs. At this point, Dylan had came home and thankfully was able to go with me. THis time, the tests confirmed what the ultra sound showed. HcG levels should increase, at a high rate, up to 8 to 10 weeks of pregnancy. Mine on that Wednesday were 13000 and by Friday 10,000. The levels dropped. The doctor went through my options with me over the phone. I agreed I would do as she suggested, TRY to miscarry "naturally" for two weeks. But that's it. At that point, if it hasn't "passed", I want a Dnc.
So, basically by a fluke, I found out in advance that I WILL indeed be miscarrying. Is it better to just miscary and be done with it or to have weeks to "prepare"? I have no idea. This is my first one and I hope my last. I just know that this has been an incredibly rough many weeks and until it passes, I don't see a lot of peace in sight.
We told the children on Saturday, something I had really feared. Its so much for a 6 and 9 year old to process. I tried to be black and white, drawing (or attempting to draw) the female reproductive system....explaining how sometimes an egg and sperm meet precisely and make a baby and other times they don't line up correctly, creating a blighted ovum instead of a baby. Yet, when this occurs, the mom's body THINKS it's pregnant and does normal pregnancy things. Evan held in his tears and Ava prayed God would help the baby be normal and that she could still kiss my belly. Last night they both slept with me, clinging to my side. We will get throught his. As so many other women have, it's a journey. I am reminded of two verses over and over again lately....
Isaiah 41:4 - I am the lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you.
Romans 5:2 - Through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. ANd we boast in the hope of the Glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our SUFFERINGS, because we know that sufering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
These two verses are helping me see that God still has a plan for us, and he will help us through this. At moments when I feel so broken right now....unemployed, "processing" a miscarriage, hours from my fiance every day, and just lost in general...I know God is here and he is real, and HE will help me. These sufferings we all go through make us stronger, give us more hope. Our God is a good God. I am not looking at this as a punishment. Nor do I think we did something wrong, as I spent the first few days over processing it all trying to find a reason....what I did to make this happen. There is no reason nor can I seek out understanding at this point. I am just trying to process my emotions....from devastation to anger......
I miss Dylan so much and to have to go through this alone, is agonizing. The waiting, the unknown....I do want it to be done now that I know it's "over." Anyway, many have asked....so there's the "story" of my miscarriage to be. I am grateful for the love I have in my life, my beautiful compassionate children, and I know that with this, comes hope for the future. Prayers to get me from here to there, greatly appreciated. I haven't given up, but I am pretty sick and broken, and as much as I hate to say it, I need some help. Thanks for all the love, support, and kind thoughts. Pray especially for Dylan, as I want God to stay strong in his heart and for him to not lose faith, as it has to be hard being away from us, especially now. And pray for Evan and ava, those two kids mean the WORLD to me and they've been through so much. Pray they stay on a straight path and that they know God is good and this is just a part of life, but not the end of anything.
Lastly, for those of you have shared your stories with me, thank you. It helps to know what others have been through not only so I know what to expect, but also because it gives me more hope for tomorrow.
THe initial moments caught on video of the children finding out from us, were kind of like mine, shock! They weren't sure what to think. But that quickly changed to intense joy and excitement and a SLEW of questions. They were already talking about whether it would be a brother or a sister (or twins) before the night was over and promising to help with "everything" but dirty diapers! Anyway, the following week, my doctor called and said she would like another ultrasound the following week sometime. So last week, at 9 a.m. on September 6th, I had a second ultrasound. By my initial estimations, I would have been 8 weeks 4 days at this point (based on inital u/s, I'd be 8 weeks 0 days). Regardless, I went for the normal "belly" ultrasound. Drank 48 oz of fluid - didn't get ot the 60. Laid down and within minutes, she had me empty my bladder. She pointed to the big screen in the corner and noted how she just could not see well enough this method and we would need another transvaginal ultrasound. FOr the next 30 minutes, I watched her attempt to get a heartbeat. Flat line after flat line. No movement. No activity. nothing. Based on my research, I assumed what I saw was an empty gestational sack. But granted, the ultrasound tech couldn't tell me anything. I left there feeling completely devastated. Over the course of the next 24 hours, I researched all that I could and prayed and prayed and prayed. I cried pretty much the whole time as well.
Finally, around 11;55 a.m. on Wednesday, Sept. 7th, my doctor called. The ultrasound showed the gestational sack still measured 6 weeks and 0 days (identical to the first one) and that this would indicate I would miscarry. However, for comfirmation, I would need some labs to check my HCG levels. I went right in a few minutes later and had my blood drawn. At about 2 p.m., the nurse called and said my HCG levels were borderline....which was good....still a glimmer of hope?? I really didn't have much at this point. I knew what I had seen and I was scared and sad and angry and just wanted answers. Friday, on the 9th, I Had to repeat these labs. At this point, Dylan had came home and thankfully was able to go with me. THis time, the tests confirmed what the ultra sound showed. HcG levels should increase, at a high rate, up to 8 to 10 weeks of pregnancy. Mine on that Wednesday were 13000 and by Friday 10,000. The levels dropped. The doctor went through my options with me over the phone. I agreed I would do as she suggested, TRY to miscarry "naturally" for two weeks. But that's it. At that point, if it hasn't "passed", I want a Dnc.
So, basically by a fluke, I found out in advance that I WILL indeed be miscarrying. Is it better to just miscary and be done with it or to have weeks to "prepare"? I have no idea. This is my first one and I hope my last. I just know that this has been an incredibly rough many weeks and until it passes, I don't see a lot of peace in sight.
We told the children on Saturday, something I had really feared. Its so much for a 6 and 9 year old to process. I tried to be black and white, drawing (or attempting to draw) the female reproductive system....explaining how sometimes an egg and sperm meet precisely and make a baby and other times they don't line up correctly, creating a blighted ovum instead of a baby. Yet, when this occurs, the mom's body THINKS it's pregnant and does normal pregnancy things. Evan held in his tears and Ava prayed God would help the baby be normal and that she could still kiss my belly. Last night they both slept with me, clinging to my side. We will get throught his. As so many other women have, it's a journey. I am reminded of two verses over and over again lately....
Isaiah 41:4 - I am the lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you.
Romans 5:2 - Through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. ANd we boast in the hope of the Glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our SUFFERINGS, because we know that sufering produces perserverance; perserverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
These two verses are helping me see that God still has a plan for us, and he will help us through this. At moments when I feel so broken right now....unemployed, "processing" a miscarriage, hours from my fiance every day, and just lost in general...I know God is here and he is real, and HE will help me. These sufferings we all go through make us stronger, give us more hope. Our God is a good God. I am not looking at this as a punishment. Nor do I think we did something wrong, as I spent the first few days over processing it all trying to find a reason....what I did to make this happen. There is no reason nor can I seek out understanding at this point. I am just trying to process my emotions....from devastation to anger......
I miss Dylan so much and to have to go through this alone, is agonizing. The waiting, the unknown....I do want it to be done now that I know it's "over." Anyway, many have asked....so there's the "story" of my miscarriage to be. I am grateful for the love I have in my life, my beautiful compassionate children, and I know that with this, comes hope for the future. Prayers to get me from here to there, greatly appreciated. I haven't given up, but I am pretty sick and broken, and as much as I hate to say it, I need some help. Thanks for all the love, support, and kind thoughts. Pray especially for Dylan, as I want God to stay strong in his heart and for him to not lose faith, as it has to be hard being away from us, especially now. And pray for Evan and ava, those two kids mean the WORLD to me and they've been through so much. Pray they stay on a straight path and that they know God is good and this is just a part of life, but not the end of anything.
Lastly, for those of you have shared your stories with me, thank you. It helps to know what others have been through not only so I know what to expect, but also because it gives me more hope for tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Intuition Magic
HELLLO! Seems as though I have fallen off the edge of the blogging world...thankfully (*or not?), I am back. The chaos hasn't ended, but the need for externalizing some of my thought processes has returned. A lot has occured since my last update, my life has virtually taken a 360.
As I spent Christmas day alone, I posted the music video "I haven't met you Yet" and said, please let this be my last Christmas by myself. (or something like that)
Well, that wish has been granted, I do believe. I have met a man whom I love dearly, so much so, that I am packing up my family and relocating over three hours away. The kids are excited, as am I.
However, with the new beginning, must first come an ending or endingS.
I will be leaving so much behind...a home, a job I loved, and most of all, the dearest friends a girl could have. This community has been a wonderufl place to raise my children. When Evan got off the bus at the wrong place, someone noticed him instantly standing outside crying...who then called the school to reach me. Or when Ava rode the bus and I was out of town, a teacher picked her up and made sure they both got to where they needed to go. The programs for the children and the support from neighbors and strangers alike has been overwhelming. The kids and I will miss the love of the people here so much.
Even the students I worked with, as well as many co-workers, have touched my life and will never be forgotten. Some asked why I cried and cried AND CRIED the last two days of work - saying they'd be excited to get out of there. Not me. I am going to miss that place so much.
Today one of my best friends stopped with alittle going away gift, as she left for vacation today. I hadn't even got the box opened, and the tears were already streaming down my cheeks. The friends I have made here are some of the best people I have ever met. With hearts so big and open arms, they have gotten me to where I am today.
As her card said..."I don't like saying good byes...so let's pretend we are playing hide and go seek and you are just really hard to find."
Sounds good to me...I think I'll stick with that. Good bye sounds so forever, hide and seek sounds much more fun.
On a positive note, our new city shall be an adventure that we are looking forward to and to not have miles between Dylan and I will be a huge stress relief. Can't wait to be "settled" and have a job, college, etc. all lined up and everything moved.....as long as the mighty mo doesn't cause us to evacuate.....not even going to think about that! :)
Crazy is as crazy does....
So only after a few weeks of dating, dylan and I made the decision to move in together. I recieved a lot of criticism and harsh judgement based on this choice. WHICH I COMPLETELY RESPECT!!!!!! From the outside, I am sure it looks as though I fell off my rocker.
That being said, if I wasn't sure he and I wanted this, no way would I be putting my children in a vulnerable situation. Granted, I can't gurantee the future, and with love, only time can tell....but I feel something different with Dylan and my intuition says GO FOR IT:) So stay tuned...next update will hopefully be after we have relocated and are in our new place officiallY!
As I spent Christmas day alone, I posted the music video "I haven't met you Yet" and said, please let this be my last Christmas by myself. (or something like that)
Well, that wish has been granted, I do believe. I have met a man whom I love dearly, so much so, that I am packing up my family and relocating over three hours away. The kids are excited, as am I.
However, with the new beginning, must first come an ending or endingS.
I will be leaving so much behind...a home, a job I loved, and most of all, the dearest friends a girl could have. This community has been a wonderufl place to raise my children. When Evan got off the bus at the wrong place, someone noticed him instantly standing outside crying...who then called the school to reach me. Or when Ava rode the bus and I was out of town, a teacher picked her up and made sure they both got to where they needed to go. The programs for the children and the support from neighbors and strangers alike has been overwhelming. The kids and I will miss the love of the people here so much.
Even the students I worked with, as well as many co-workers, have touched my life and will never be forgotten. Some asked why I cried and cried AND CRIED the last two days of work - saying they'd be excited to get out of there. Not me. I am going to miss that place so much.
Today one of my best friends stopped with alittle going away gift, as she left for vacation today. I hadn't even got the box opened, and the tears were already streaming down my cheeks. The friends I have made here are some of the best people I have ever met. With hearts so big and open arms, they have gotten me to where I am today.
As her card said..."I don't like saying good byes...so let's pretend we are playing hide and go seek and you are just really hard to find."
Sounds good to me...I think I'll stick with that. Good bye sounds so forever, hide and seek sounds much more fun.
On a positive note, our new city shall be an adventure that we are looking forward to and to not have miles between Dylan and I will be a huge stress relief. Can't wait to be "settled" and have a job, college, etc. all lined up and everything moved.....as long as the mighty mo doesn't cause us to evacuate.....not even going to think about that! :)
Crazy is as crazy does....
So only after a few weeks of dating, dylan and I made the decision to move in together. I recieved a lot of criticism and harsh judgement based on this choice. WHICH I COMPLETELY RESPECT!!!!!! From the outside, I am sure it looks as though I fell off my rocker.
That being said, if I wasn't sure he and I wanted this, no way would I be putting my children in a vulnerable situation. Granted, I can't gurantee the future, and with love, only time can tell....but I feel something different with Dylan and my intuition says GO FOR IT:) So stay tuned...next update will hopefully be after we have relocated and are in our new place officiallY!
Monday, March 21, 2011
*Every day is a gift, that is why it's called the present*
My sister told me about a 13 year old who committed suicide yesterday in her town. This is the second teenager I have heard of in high school in the past week.
My heart aches for these boys' family and friends. I can't even fathom the pain they are going thru.
And it is scary.
Just a reminder that every day we need to make sure those around us know they are loved and treasured. That we take the time to make our relationships a priority.
As I was visiting with a friend on the phone tonight, so often as a mother it's easy to say "later" when a child asks for you to show you something or to play a game. There's always something that needs to be done. But what if later never comes? I have got to get better at making the most of those moments.
My children are my life's greatest blessing. I need to ensure that I am giving them all that I have got to give.
Tonight Ava was talking about when she has kids, and how I'll be the grandma...and that she hopes I can visit on the weekends. But not during the weeks because she'll be busy with "meetings, classes, and homework." Running from one thing to the next is what defines me. My 5 year old even relates that to what a mom does because that's all she knows.
It's very hard not to want to throw in the towel on school and be a better mom. Yes, college will enable a better future for us. But money and a promotion may not be what I am seeking. More than anything, i just want to raise healthy, happy, well-rounded children. Figuring out how to do everything and be the best parent I can be is a challenge. I am going to work more towards truly treating each day as a GIFT as that is what it is. That includes stopping more for the moments that matter most, and not caring so much about the other stuff.
Eventually, it all has to fall into place...at some point anyway. I am getting there....slowly but surely.
My heart aches for these boys' family and friends. I can't even fathom the pain they are going thru.
And it is scary.
Just a reminder that every day we need to make sure those around us know they are loved and treasured. That we take the time to make our relationships a priority.
As I was visiting with a friend on the phone tonight, so often as a mother it's easy to say "later" when a child asks for you to show you something or to play a game. There's always something that needs to be done. But what if later never comes? I have got to get better at making the most of those moments.
My children are my life's greatest blessing. I need to ensure that I am giving them all that I have got to give.
Tonight Ava was talking about when she has kids, and how I'll be the grandma...and that she hopes I can visit on the weekends. But not during the weeks because she'll be busy with "meetings, classes, and homework." Running from one thing to the next is what defines me. My 5 year old even relates that to what a mom does because that's all she knows.
It's very hard not to want to throw in the towel on school and be a better mom. Yes, college will enable a better future for us. But money and a promotion may not be what I am seeking. More than anything, i just want to raise healthy, happy, well-rounded children. Figuring out how to do everything and be the best parent I can be is a challenge. I am going to work more towards truly treating each day as a GIFT as that is what it is. That includes stopping more for the moments that matter most, and not caring so much about the other stuff.
Eventually, it all has to fall into place...at some point anyway. I am getting there....slowly but surely.
~Balance~
Ever feel like you could tip over? That's how I felt when I entered a port-a-potty Saturday night that wasn't quite level. It's also how I feel right now.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Live+Laugh+Love
As I get older (which literally shall happen in 15 minutes), I feel as though I learn a little more with each experience, each season, and each year that passes. I have especially started to grasp the fact that life and the pursuit of happiness are journeys, not destinations.
I sometimes start running (figuratively, not literally), keeping myself constantly busy. Busy is my way of coping. I am stressed. Constantly. But I am stressed because I am busy, not because my life is a mess. Being busy is an easier concept to stomach than the other. However, I have really really tried and hope I can continue to make progress living in the moment. Whether something lasts a moment or forever, enjoying it for what it's worth is what life is all about. I am not seeking perfection, I have learned that is not reality. What I want, is contentment.
I look at my children. They are my inspiration. I want to be the best mom I can be and give them what they deserve and more. They remind me of the purity, the love, and the beauty of life. Despite all the trials, the triumphs, and the heartache, love prevails. Regardless of how hard a moment or a year is, there is always a chance for a fresh start and for hope. I won't give up. I refuse to.
Even when I thought I found something that I thought was real....that I thought was special, I was yet again proven wrong. Yet, I have NO regrets. I made a good friend because of it and I learned that I am capable of feeling. Good people exist. And though my heart aches right now, I am blessed with hope. I couldn't live without it.
To the last year of my 20s, my wish for myself is that I find a way to live, laugh, and love everyday. Life is too short to live any other way:)
I sometimes start running (figuratively, not literally), keeping myself constantly busy. Busy is my way of coping. I am stressed. Constantly. But I am stressed because I am busy, not because my life is a mess. Being busy is an easier concept to stomach than the other. However, I have really really tried and hope I can continue to make progress living in the moment. Whether something lasts a moment or forever, enjoying it for what it's worth is what life is all about. I am not seeking perfection, I have learned that is not reality. What I want, is contentment.
I look at my children. They are my inspiration. I want to be the best mom I can be and give them what they deserve and more. They remind me of the purity, the love, and the beauty of life. Despite all the trials, the triumphs, and the heartache, love prevails. Regardless of how hard a moment or a year is, there is always a chance for a fresh start and for hope. I won't give up. I refuse to.
Even when I thought I found something that I thought was real....that I thought was special, I was yet again proven wrong. Yet, I have NO regrets. I made a good friend because of it and I learned that I am capable of feeling. Good people exist. And though my heart aches right now, I am blessed with hope. I couldn't live without it.
To the last year of my 20s, my wish for myself is that I find a way to live, laugh, and love everyday. Life is too short to live any other way:)
Monday, March 7, 2011
College....welcome back to the classroom
I arrived early to my first face-to-face college class in almost seven years tonight. I was slightly anxious, a little excited, but already exhausted after another sleepless night with sick children. As I am walking through the college, I have to pass through the cafeteria, which is overflowing with testosterone. I am not sure where all the girls were, but there was definitely a lack there of eating supper on campus tonight. For some odd reason, I am unsure still to this moment, I must have caught the eye of a basketball player. I precede to meet with my advisor briefly and then go to the classroom. I see this guy walk by the door once or twice, but didn't think much of it. A few minutes later, what appears to be a classmate, stops in the doorway and he approaches her. Ahh, they must be friends, I thought to myself.
After several minutes, this girl approaches me. She begins with, "I am sorry, I know we haven't met before...." I am thinking she is introducing herself. Then she continues, "there is a guy that saw you walk through the cafeteria, and he'd like to know if you are single." I was kind of bewildered. I didn't even know how to respond. I guess this is college? Anyway, she then said a few more things that I didn't entirely process and I was suddenly attentive when she said, "do you want me to tell him you are or you are not single?" I said, "I am not." She walked away, told him, and as he left he waved at me.
Weird?
I feel like I am getting old. Ten years ago I would have been flattered. Now...I am just like wtf.
Not too long later, students flow in, and about 16 students fill this little classroom. Our teacher presents us with a 15 page syllabus and my head starts to spin. WHAT have I gotten myself into??? Again, I kind of spaced out as he went through the details of the INTASC standards how we must be able to integrate content knowledge with pedagogical understanding, or something like that. I am not entirely sure. I did hear him say that we will be assigned at least one chapter (our first night two) to read each Monday and Thursday night...which will be accompanied by writing assignments and questions to answer. I looked at the first worksheet and every question had at least one word I had never heard of. There will also be the term paper for our portfolio, the syllabus that we'll have to present to the class, amongst other "fun" projects. He did mention though that if we are always there and work very hard, we should be able to get an A.
His advice was with this class was to just be the best you you can be. His example was...whether you are being a student, teacher, or a lover, just always be the best you can, and you will succeed. Analogically comparing teaching to sex...that was the first time I had heard that. Did I mention my instructor is older...like in his 60's at least?
Fortunately, as my brain was a bit overwhelmed, he did dismiss us early - the one and only time that'll happen. As I am driving home, my dashboard lights are kind of doing a whole disco ball lightshow and it was slightly disturbing. Then my cruise control shut off....just like that. I don't believe in ghosts, so I knew that wasn't a viable reason. Then the answer revealed itself - with the service engine light. The traction off light came on next. **AWESOME**....or not so much.
Got home in time to do my son's new asthma/allergy treatment which consists of five medications throughout the course of a day to get it back under "control" and to administer my daughter's green (yes GREEN) nasty medicine to "regulate" her. After I read a bedtime story, I tucked them into bed moments ago, I am now unloading my evening on here for future reference and then going to do laundry, pay bills, and on to my online class. I should probably do some cleaning. I am hoping that both the kids sleep all night thru, though I may being too optimistic as that hasn't happened for over two weeks. Time shall tell.
Onward and upward~~~~~~~~~~~~~>to be the best me I can be tis the goal:)
After several minutes, this girl approaches me. She begins with, "I am sorry, I know we haven't met before...." I am thinking she is introducing herself. Then she continues, "there is a guy that saw you walk through the cafeteria, and he'd like to know if you are single." I was kind of bewildered. I didn't even know how to respond. I guess this is college? Anyway, she then said a few more things that I didn't entirely process and I was suddenly attentive when she said, "do you want me to tell him you are or you are not single?" I said, "I am not." She walked away, told him, and as he left he waved at me.
Weird?
I feel like I am getting old. Ten years ago I would have been flattered. Now...I am just like wtf.
Not too long later, students flow in, and about 16 students fill this little classroom. Our teacher presents us with a 15 page syllabus and my head starts to spin. WHAT have I gotten myself into??? Again, I kind of spaced out as he went through the details of the INTASC standards how we must be able to integrate content knowledge with pedagogical understanding, or something like that. I am not entirely sure. I did hear him say that we will be assigned at least one chapter (our first night two) to read each Monday and Thursday night...which will be accompanied by writing assignments and questions to answer. I looked at the first worksheet and every question had at least one word I had never heard of. There will also be the term paper for our portfolio, the syllabus that we'll have to present to the class, amongst other "fun" projects. He did mention though that if we are always there and work very hard, we should be able to get an A.
His advice was with this class was to just be the best you you can be. His example was...whether you are being a student, teacher, or a lover, just always be the best you can, and you will succeed. Analogically comparing teaching to sex...that was the first time I had heard that. Did I mention my instructor is older...like in his 60's at least?
Fortunately, as my brain was a bit overwhelmed, he did dismiss us early - the one and only time that'll happen. As I am driving home, my dashboard lights are kind of doing a whole disco ball lightshow and it was slightly disturbing. Then my cruise control shut off....just like that. I don't believe in ghosts, so I knew that wasn't a viable reason. Then the answer revealed itself - with the service engine light. The traction off light came on next. **AWESOME**....or not so much.
Got home in time to do my son's new asthma/allergy treatment which consists of five medications throughout the course of a day to get it back under "control" and to administer my daughter's green (yes GREEN) nasty medicine to "regulate" her. After I read a bedtime story, I tucked them into bed moments ago, I am now unloading my evening on here for future reference and then going to do laundry, pay bills, and on to my online class. I should probably do some cleaning. I am hoping that both the kids sleep all night thru, though I may being too optimistic as that hasn't happened for over two weeks. Time shall tell.
Onward and upward~~~~~~~~~~~~~>to be the best me I can be tis the goal:)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Your Domain
you're slow.
i'm fast.
regardless, tomorrow
we still can't forecast.
patience
how?
frustrated
now.
i want
i need...
as i breathe
i bleed.
you reply
with words swift.
with words swift.
im unwrapping them
like a gift.
wanting to hear
you want me.
that here,
you will soon be.
but it's not
that gift you gave,
rather it's just
another tidal wave.
you say wait,
i say go.
please show me how
to take it slow.
fear can push,
fear can shove,
and i don't want to destroy,
what could be love.
swallow my desire,
tighten my rein,
im trying to live
in your domain.
Help with this global movement...give away a hug today:)
Sick puppies = awesome
this video -----> inspiring?
makes me want to go out with a sign like the one below:)
te gusta? if yes, then check out the pics of free hugs in action below.
if not, well then....this isn't the page for you.
do you need a hug? :)
free hugs from students in chile
free hugs in london
free hugs in tokoyo
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
heart breaking
Death of girl found in truck in West Palm Beach probed as abuse case - Breaking News - MiamiHerald.com
i do not understand why things like this happen i hope someday i have the ability to have a home and the finances to be a foster parent. how can anyone abuse, let alone torture a child to death? where was dhs? :( sadly abuse goes on every day in every town. no child deserves that, not a single one. uggggh
so so sad:(
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Can't read my mind, I'm undefined
Spring shall come soon. Cabin fever perhaps is getting the best of me. That and I think everyone has a breaking point, mine of which I am nearing. It's a self inflected wound. A chaotic life to distract from a lonely one has become counter productive. In the sense that I am no longer superwoman. Not that I ever was, but I seemed to be able to juggle more balls in years past. The normal drama ball is also larger than past, plus adding one for relationships, and not to mention college. Then the main ones...single parenting, working, volunteering here and there, etc etc etc. Fear of failing, fear of losing, and fear of never getting 'THERE" ...those fears are scary. They don't consume me, but accompanied by frustration, they gain power. When is the day coming when I can skate smoothly? I am ready...with open arms. I just want peace. Happiness. Contentment.
I worry I am not good enough.
Jaded?
Or just tainted?
A dirty little secret?
Normal or abnormal, there's no explanation, no reason to explain or elaborate without it sounding minimal. Other than lack of sleep, plus lots of stress and pressure, equate to someone being slightly down. Not on the outs, just blah. Tired of the rat race.
I worry I am not good enough.
Jaded?
Or just tainted?
A dirty little secret?
Normal or abnormal, there's no explanation, no reason to explain or elaborate without it sounding minimal. Other than lack of sleep, plus lots of stress and pressure, equate to someone being slightly down. Not on the outs, just blah. Tired of the rat race.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts. Winston Churchill
Recent events (I shall refer to them as "obstacles") are sucking the enthusiasm out of me. I am a product of my choices, as in every decision made, has a result. The product to date isn't exactly something I am content with. However, I've tried to bottle that frustration up and use it as momentum for moving forward. It took me a long time to know that there is no profound destination where happiness will be sought, but rather a learning process of figuring out how to just ENJOY the journey and all the moments along the way. Nonetheless, there are days/nights where sometimes I can't suppress a small amount of doubt or a lack of hope or a feeling of just being somewhat lost. I know that I'll get where I want to go and despite it all, determination is not something I have ever lacked. However, I am just getting a little weary from always "trying" and not seeing the progress as a result. It's as though I am trying to swim across the ocean, but I can still see the shoreline; like I am working so hard, but not getting so far.
Patience patience patience. I have to remember to STOP. Count my blessings - as they are abundant. I am incredibly grateful.
It's just that there's so much more I want and I am patiently trying to be patient - tired of struggling so much. Life is for living. I want to embrace that, but not sure how to do that precisely for much longer when what I am after, is still out of my reach.
Patience patience patience. I have to remember to STOP. Count my blessings - as they are abundant. I am incredibly grateful.
It's just that there's so much more I want and I am patiently trying to be patient - tired of struggling so much. Life is for living. I want to embrace that, but not sure how to do that precisely for much longer when what I am after, is still out of my reach.
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