*Every day is a gift, that is why it's called the present*

My sister told me about a 13 year old who committed suicide yesterday in her town. This is the second teenager I have heard of in high school in the past week.

My heart aches for these boys' family and friends. I can't even fathom the pain they are going thru.

And it is scary.

Just a reminder that every day we need to make sure those around us know they are loved and treasured. That we take the time to make our relationships a priority.

As I was visiting with a friend on the phone tonight, so often as a mother it's easy to say "later" when a child asks for you to show you something or to play a game. There's always something that needs to be done. But what if later never comes? I have got to get better at making the most of those moments.

My children are my life's greatest blessing. I need to ensure that I am giving them all that I have got to give.

Tonight Ava was talking about when she has kids, and how I'll be the grandma...and that she hopes I can visit on the weekends. But not during the weeks because she'll be busy with "meetings, classes, and homework."  Running from one thing to the next is what defines me. My 5 year old even relates that to what a mom does because that's all she knows.

It's very hard not to want to throw in the towel on school and be a better mom. Yes, college will enable a better future for us. But money and a promotion may not be what I am seeking. More than anything, i just want to raise healthy, happy, well-rounded children. Figuring out how to do everything and be the best parent I can be is a challenge. I am going to work more towards truly treating each day as a GIFT as that is what it is. That includes stopping more for the moments that matter most, and not caring so much about the other stuff.

Eventually, it all has to fall into place...at some point anyway. I am getting there....slowly but surely.

~Balance~

Ever feel like you could tip over? That's how I felt when I entered a port-a-potty Saturday night that wasn't quite level. It's also how I feel right now. 

Live+Laugh+Love

As I get older (which literally shall happen in 15 minutes), I feel as though I learn a little more with each experience, each season, and each year that passes. I have especially started to grasp the fact that life and the pursuit of happiness are journeys, not destinations.

I sometimes start running (figuratively, not literally), keeping myself constantly busy. Busy is my way of coping. I am stressed. Constantly. But I am stressed because I am busy, not because my life is a mess. Being busy is an easier concept to stomach than the other. However, I have really really tried and hope I can continue to make progress living in the moment. Whether something lasts a moment or forever, enjoying it for what it's worth is what life is all about. I am not seeking perfection,  I have learned that is not reality. What I want, is contentment.

I look at my children. They are my inspiration. I want to be the best mom I can be and give them what they deserve and more. They remind me of the purity, the love, and the beauty of life. Despite all the trials, the triumphs, and the heartache, love prevails. Regardless of how hard a moment or a year is, there is always a chance for a fresh start and for hope. I won't give up. I refuse to.

Even when I thought I found something that I thought was real....that I thought was special, I was yet again proven wrong. Yet, I have NO regrets. I made a good friend because of it and I learned that I am capable of feeling. Good people exist. And though my heart aches right now, I am blessed with hope. I couldn't live without it.

To the last year of my 20s, my wish for myself is that I find a way to live, laugh, and love everyday. Life is too short to live any other way:)

College....welcome back to the classroom

I arrived early to my first face-to-face college class in almost seven years tonight. I was slightly anxious, a little excited, but already exhausted after another sleepless night with sick children. As I am walking through the college, I have to pass through the cafeteria, which is overflowing with testosterone. I am not sure where all the girls were, but there was definitely a lack there of eating supper on campus tonight. For some odd reason, I am unsure still to this moment, I must have caught the eye of a basketball player. I precede to meet with my advisor briefly and then go to the classroom. I see this guy walk by the door once or twice, but didn't think much of it. A few minutes later, what appears to be a classmate, stops in the doorway and he approaches her. Ahh, they must be friends, I thought to myself.

After several minutes, this girl approaches me. She begins with, "I am sorry, I know we haven't met before...." I am thinking she is introducing herself. Then she continues, "there is a guy that saw you walk through the cafeteria, and he'd like to know if you are single." I was kind of bewildered. I didn't even know how to respond. I guess this is college? Anyway, she then said a few more things that I didn't entirely process and I was suddenly attentive when she said, "do you want me to tell him you are or you are not single?" I said, "I am not." She walked away, told him, and as he left he waved at me.

Weird?

I feel like I am getting old. Ten years ago I would have been flattered. Now...I am just like wtf.

Not too long later, students flow in, and about 16 students fill this little classroom. Our teacher presents us with a 15 page syllabus and my head starts to spin. WHAT have I gotten myself into??? Again, I kind of spaced out as he went through the details of the INTASC standards how we must be able to integrate content knowledge with pedagogical understanding, or something like that. I am not entirely sure. I did hear him say that we will be assigned at least one chapter (our first night two) to read each Monday and Thursday night...which will be accompanied by writing assignments and questions to answer. I looked at the first worksheet and every question had at least one word I had never heard of. There will also be the term paper for our portfolio, the syllabus that we'll have to present to the class, amongst other "fun" projects. He did mention though that if we are always there and work very hard, we should be able to get an A.

His advice was with this class was to just be the best you you can be. His example was...whether you are being a student, teacher, or a lover, just always be the best you can, and you will succeed. Analogically comparing teaching to sex...that was the first time I had heard that. Did I mention my instructor is older...like in his 60's at least?

Fortunately, as my brain was a bit overwhelmed, he did dismiss us early - the one and only time that'll happen. As I am driving home, my dashboard lights are kind of doing a whole disco ball lightshow and it was slightly disturbing. Then my cruise control shut off....just like that. I don't believe in ghosts, so I knew that wasn't a viable reason. Then the answer revealed itself - with the service engine light. The traction off light came on next. **AWESOME**....or not so much.

Got home in time to do my son's new asthma/allergy treatment which consists of five medications throughout the course of a day to get it back under "control" and to administer my daughter's green (yes GREEN) nasty medicine to "regulate" her. After I read a bedtime story, I tucked them into bed moments ago, I am now unloading my evening on here for future reference and then going to do laundry, pay bills, and on to my online class. I should probably do some cleaning. I am hoping that both the kids sleep all night thru, though I may being too optimistic as that hasn't happened for over two weeks. Time shall tell.

Onward and upward~~~~~~~~~~~~~>to be the best me I can be tis the goal:)

Your Domain

you're slow.

i'm fast.

regardless, tomorrow

we still can't forecast.

patience

how?

frustrated

now.

i want

i need...

as i breathe

i bleed.

you reply 
with words swift.

im unwrapping them

like a gift.

wanting to hear

you want me.

that here,

you will soon be.

but it's not

that gift you gave,

rather it's just

another tidal wave.

you say wait,

i say go.

please show me how

to take it slow. 

fear can push,

fear can shove,

and i don't want to destroy,

what could be love.

swallow my desire,

tighten my rein,

im trying to live

in your domain. 

Help with this global movement...give away a hug today:)

Sick puppies = awesome

this video -----> inspiring?

makes me want to go out with a sign like the one below:)

te gusta? if yes, then check out the pics of free hugs in action below.

if not, well then....this isn't the page for you.

do you need a hug? :)

free hugs from students in chile

free hugs in london

free hugs in tokoyo

heart breaking

Death of girl found in truck in West Palm Beach probed as abuse case - Breaking News - MiamiHerald.com

i do not understand why things like this happen i hope someday i have the ability to have a home and the finances to be a foster parent. how can anyone abuse, let alone torture a child to death? where was dhs? :( sadly abuse goes on every day in every town. no child deserves that, not a single one. uggggh

so so sad:(

Can't read my mind, I'm undefined

Spring shall come soon. Cabin fever perhaps is getting the best of me. That and I think everyone has a breaking point, mine of which I am nearing. It's a self inflected wound. A chaotic life to distract from a lonely one has become counter productive. In the sense that I am no longer superwoman. Not that I ever was, but I seemed to be able to juggle more balls in years past. The normal drama ball is also larger than past, plus adding one for relationships, and not to mention college. Then the main ones...single parenting, working, volunteering here and there, etc etc etc. Fear of failing, fear of losing, and fear of never getting 'THERE" ...those fears are scary. They don't consume me, but accompanied by frustration, they gain power. When is the day coming when I can skate smoothly? I am ready...with open arms. I just want peace. Happiness. Contentment.

I worry I am not good enough.
Jaded?
Or just tainted?
A dirty little secret?

Normal or abnormal, there's no explanation, no reason to explain or elaborate without it sounding minimal. Other than lack of sleep, plus lots of stress and pressure, equate to someone being slightly down. Not on the outs, just blah. Tired of the rat race.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts. Winston Churchill

Recent events (I shall refer to them as "obstacles") are sucking the enthusiasm out of me. I am a product of my choices, as in every decision made, has a result. The product to date isn't exactly something I am content with. However, I've tried to bottle that frustration up and use it as momentum for moving forward. It took me a long time to know that there is no profound destination where happiness will be sought, but rather a learning process of figuring out how to just ENJOY the journey and all the moments along the way. Nonetheless, there are days/nights where sometimes I can't suppress a small amount of doubt or a lack of hope or a feeling of just being somewhat lost. I know that I'll get where I want to go and despite it all, determination is not something I have ever lacked. However, I am just getting a little weary from always "trying" and not seeing the progress as a result. It's as though I am trying to swim across the ocean, but I can still see the shoreline; like I am working so hard, but not getting so far.

Patience patience patience. I have to remember to STOP. Count my blessings - as they are abundant. I am incredibly grateful.

It's just that there's so much more I want and I am patiently trying to be patient - tired of struggling so much. Life is for living. I want to embrace that, but not sure how to do that precisely for much longer when what I am after, is still out of my reach.

Devils and Angels

The World is flat :)

I am posting this, more for myself, to save it but you may find it interesting....maybe?? To me - I find it amazing and exciting....but then again, I am a bit of a dork and am in the field of education, so perhaps that's why I find it so intriguing!!

30 day challenge - Day 1! Pic of me + 15 facts....random at best:)

1. Purple is my color of choice
2. I am a perfectionist...especially at procrastinating
3. Passionate about making a difference, especially in the lives of children
4. Mother to two absolutely amazing children, who are thee light of my life
5. I am addicted to vix (vapor rub)
6. Part of my ancestry is from a country that no longer exists (Bohemia:)
7. I looooove originality....sameness = boring
8. Music is my lifeblood - there is a song that fits my every mood
9. Art is my medium for expression, although I have not painted in 2+ years
10. Huge desire to travel the world - to see different places and faces - to learn about other cultures
11. I have the (dis) ability to see the beauty in everything and everyone
12. I held my grandma's hand, as she passed away. She is my idol and who I want to be like - her heart was bigger than anyone I ever met. Though she had a "hard" life and worked long days, she never ever complained and always maintained faith and compassion for everyone around her.
13. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with possibilities - so many things to do, ways to give, and places to see - I don't want to miss anything:)
14. I am very afraid of mice, if I see one...I will scream (despite growing up on a FARM!)
15. I don't have a poker face - I am completely an open book